It is perfectly normal to change as you go through life, especially after becoming a mom. Getting to know your spouse again as you evolve is one of the best ways to keep your marriage healthy.
As you mature, experience new things and meet new people, your perspective, interests, and priorities will all change. The same is true for your husband. Most likely, the man your husband was when you met him is not the same man he is today. Over the years, you have both evolved into different versions of yourself.
Sure, your core self may be the same, he may still laugh at the same quirky jokes while you may still love to dance anytime you get a chance, but, how you feel about certain aspects of life and how you spend your time changes.
MARRIAGE DRIFTING APART
While working with couples, I often hear husbands and wives talk about how they feel like they’ve grown apart. They come in with the hope of getting their “spark” back, but ultimately share that they feel like they don’t know each other anymore.
Many couples worry that unless they do everything together they will grow apart. However, the reality is that if spouses don’t pay attention to the person their partner is growing into and continue to “get to know” each other, they will grow apart.
In short, you don’t need to spend all your time together in order to stay together, you just have to be conscious of getting to know your spouse again during different stages of life.
GET TO KNOW YOUR SPOUSE
When you first started dating your husband, you probably spent lots of time learning about the man you were falling in love with. You asked him a lot of questions, listened to his stories, and gathered information about who he was, where he came from, and where he wanted to go.
As mentioned above, we are different today from who we were when we met our spouse.
The problem is that many couples do not update themselves on each other’s hopes, dreams, goals, priorities, and preferences. They stop asking those deep, “information gathering” questions, they stop getting curious, and assume they already know the person lying next to them at night.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR HUSBAND?
To avoid falling into this pattern of assuming you know your spouse rather than actually getting to know and slowly growing apart over the years, you have to maintain your curiosity. You have to carve out little moments in your lives together to get acquainted with the man your husband is transforming into and share with him how you are evolving.
For example, my priorities shifted after becoming a mom. The activities I used to enjoy, my priorities at work, and my relationships with friends and family all changed. Motherhood changed my perspective on life. These were changes that I did not expect or anticipate, they were a result of a major change in my life that altered how I felt about life. Had I not taken the time to bring my husband in on all the changes I was experiencing and had I also neglected getting curious about how fatherhood was changing him, we would have kept each other in the dark and started to grow apart.
By keeping our lines of communication open and having the right types of conversations made all the difference in our marriage as we navigated our first year of parenthood.
Grab your copy of “52 Open-Ended Questions To Ask Your Husband” and aim ask your husband one question per week. Your marriage will soon begin to thrive!
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GETTING TO KNOW YOUR SPOUSE AGAIN
The best way to stay informed and continuously know your husband is to ask him open-ended questions. An open-ended question is a question that elicits a descriptive response instead of a “yes” or “no” answer.
For example, “What was the best part of your day?” (open-ended question) versus, “How was your day?” (closed-ended question).
These two questions will give you two entirely different responses.
If you ask, “How was your day?”, you will likely hear, “good” or “ok”, something short and non-descriptive.
However, if you instead ask, “What was the best part of your day?” your husband is going to share details that will bring you into his day, experiences, feelings, and what matters to him.
Putting this into practice on a deeper level will make a big difference in your marriage. While it is important to ask your husband about his day, you also need to ask open-ended questions that will bring you into his inner world. Questions that will help you know what he thinks about, worries about, his goals, aspirations, and what makes him who he is today.
Here are a few examples:
- “What are you looking forward to the most this year?”
- “What is one goal you want to achieve in the next 5 years?”
- “What is your favorite part about being a Dad?”
REAL WIFE LESSON OF THE WEEK:
Asking just 1 or 2 open-ended questions a week will help you get to know your spouse again and have a BIG impact on your marriage. This simple practice will help the two of you stay in-sync, it will help in making each other’s dreams a reality, help you ease each other’s worries, and allows you to always feel connected to the man you met years ago.
Now, if all this sounds great, but you’re thinking, “We don’t have time to have these deep conversations.” I’ve got you! CLICK HERE to learn simple ways to carve out more time for your marriage, including when to ask these open-ended questions.